Twenty three years.. minus five.

If you have asked me who's the weirdest person you've ever met, I'll say: "Me."

It's just so hard of being me, one minute I'm fine and in the other one i'm totally not. And what makes even harder is sometimes I am both in the same time. I could be so depressed but yet planning for tomorrow and for a new start. It's just hard. I'm not fine but I'm not unhappy. I hate my life but I have the most amazing mom ever. I'm a screw up but I have so much to give to the world. I'm a wild spirit trapped in the world of do's and don't's. What have I done in my past twenty two years? Nothing. What would I do in my next twenty years? Hopefully.. everything. Probably.. nothing.

I just wish I could take back the past five years.. I will be someone else, I'll be happy with my birthday today. I'll be in somewhere else. I would be feeling so good about myself and about my future. I wouldn't be doubting my options. My heart won't cringe to these words.. I wouldn't be afraid of looking at them thinking are they staring at me, do they think about the same thing I'm thinking about now? Everything will be different, I know it.

I'm not fully a twenty-three year old.. How can I explain it? There are five years have fallen off and they are not coming back. There is a void in my life line.. A dark foggy hole I'm afraid to go back to and unable to make it go away. It will stay with me for the rest of my life and I will never be whole. How can I move on if the one who created this mess.. is me?