A New Revelation..
Lately, I have been obsessing about my future but not in the normal way, if there's any. The way I'm thinking about my life gets me real down to the point of forgetting about the present. Time passes so slow, days feel like weeks and a month is like a burden on my shoulder. I don't really know what I want. I have been thinking that if I got the scholarship, my life will be back on order. Will it? Or I will be obsessing about something else?
An attempt to clear my head, I imagined myself in school, which is the thing I really want. Would I be okay? I found out that I would probably stressing over getting through my school with good grade, and then stressing about getting a job and then about something else. It's like I'm trapped.
Why I'm doing this to myself, I will never know. I give myself the illusion of a better future just to escape my boring present but little I know, my future is just as lame. It's when I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower that I realized I don't understand what I'm feeling. How can I work it out when I don't know what bothers me, I blamed the present for keeping me away from my future while I should make the best of this time to earn a better future. I keep blaming everything.. work, family and time where I should look into myself first. I should crack my brain open and figure out the mess in my mind, why I'm so sad, why I'm not always satisfied and what time really did wrong to me? Is everything really against me or I'm just slacking back? I just can't analyze my thoughts, they're just running through my head in split of a second, they're all blurred and fragmented. Just like a hurricane, it leaves me shattered with scattered thoughts that weighing over my mind.
When I was in college, I hated it because I was stressing over meeting the girls I go to school with and over the fact that I didn't have friends. In my last year in college, I made great friends but I was so eager to graduate so I started to obsess over school and graduation. I graduated and I stressed over getting a job. Now I have a job, I'm going crazy with stressing over what's next. When this will ever end? When will I start enjoy what I really have in the NOW rather than wanting something in the future? Isn't never enough with me? When will I be content and satisfied with my own life? It's aging me two decades in one year. My shoulders are heavy. My big dreams are weighing me down.
I know that I'm lost and but I don't know how to direct myself in the right way. I run to food and tv shows but they don't have the answer. They just hypnotize my brain and numb me for sometime to stop the rush of thoughts I have in my head.
Now with my new realization, I just don't know what to do to fix it.
Now playing: In Front of You - The Quiet Kind
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI read this and couldn't believe that you are saying exactly the same things I am feeling. Ironically, I just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower too (though I don't think this is the reason!) But I, too, have just graduated and spent my time worrying about getting a job, and now that i am employed i feel depressed. It's the feeling that there is nothing "else" to look forward to in the future. That's when you realize that you spent your whole life living in the past or the future but never the present. Even the fact that I considered taking masters degree shows that I need "Something" to stress about in the future, in order to avoid living in the present. That's what I feel anyway.
i went through this and sometimes i still do nop honestly most of the time
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad that we are all young and have all of our lives ahead of us but we're trapped in stress. Maybe, we're being too eager for the future we can't live in our present? Or this is how youth is usually spent, always escaping the present? Too many questions but the answer is still unknown. We'll just never know but we always could work this out. I wish you all the best, girls. Keep your heads up, you're all have a bright future ahead of you.
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